Cell Block Tango
by GinHermi
Summary: The minister of Magic stood in front of the six cells in Azkaban...he couldn't believe that the six witches in front of him would end up inches away from a Dementor's kiss. Angelina, Hermione, Ginny, Fleur, Padma and Luna were all condemned of murder.


_The Cell Block Tango:_

_The Minister of Magic stood in front of six cells in Azkaban. He couldn't believe what had happened within the same week…all except Sunday that is. Nor could he believe that the six witches in front of him had committed such heinous crimes. If you would have asked him just last week whether these six witches would end up in Azkaban and be inches away from a Dementor's Kiss, he would have laughed in your very face. But last week had passed and a new week dawned upon the most horrible murders in magic history. If wasn't so much that these witches committed murder…no, it was the fact that they used muggle means. They should be in a muggle prison, but neither the attackers nor the victims exist in the muggle world so there would be no point. Their crimes differed only in the means, which were as follows: shotgun, arsenic, knife, rope, 45 magnum and a scarf. Yes these former role models of the wizarding community were now six murderesses. They were now about to be questioned on their innocence, and then receive their trial dates. The cell doors opened and out came the witches each with their own arrogance, all except one. The minister now addressed the six young women:_

"_When I call your name you will step forward and answer guilty or not guilty to the accusation presented to each of you. Understood?"_

"_Yes." all six witches answered at the same time._

"_Ms. Angelina Johnson." Angelina stepped out of the darkness to reveal her now evil form. The minister addressed Angelina. "Ms. Johnson you are accused of murdering a Mr. George Weasley, via two puncture wounds at the back of the head with the use of a muggle shotgun. How do you plead?"_

"_Not guilty" she said indifferently looking at her nails and then stepped back into the darkness._

_The minister sighed and hated having to utter the next name on the list: "Ms. Hermione Granger." Hermione stepped into the light in front of the minister, unashamed of what she had done…sure it was a murder, but it wasn't a crime. "Ms. Granger you are accused of murdering a Mr. Draco Malfoy by poisoning with the use of the toxic muggle substance known as arsenic. How do you plead?"_

"_Not guilty." she said with a slight anger._

"_I would have expected better from you Hermione. I can't believe you lied. Why did you do it?" Not caring whether or not she got the dementor's kiss she answered him: "Ask Draco. I didn't do it." She said and strut back into the shadows._

"_Ms. Ginevra Weasley-Potter." Ginny stepped into the light with a bored look on her face and starred at the Minister like a love sick puppy. He had been her lover for the past few months after all. "Mrs. Potter, you have been accused of murdering your husband, Mr. Harry Potter, via ten stab wounds with the use of a carving knife. How do you plead?"_

"_How do you think I plead, arsehole? I loved Harry and I would never kill him. I plead not guilty" She said in an irate tone and stomped back into the shadows, when she knew he wasn't reacting to her charms._

"_Ms. Fleur Delacour-Weasley." Fleur was the only innocent of the six murderesses, but no one believe her. She was incapable of doing anything wrong, much less to her beloved husband, who by now is lying six feet under. They had put her in a cell on Thursday right after they found the cadaver and she had cried herself to sleep all the days she had been in Azkaban…not because the thought she was guilty, but because her heart ached feeling the loss of her husband. She trembled into the light and the Minister could see her usual beauty destroyed…her eyes red and puffy, her hair askew and her features gaunt. By what the Minister could tell, Fleur was the only one with a possible innocence, but nonetheless he had to ask her: "Mrs. Weasley, you are accused or murdering your husband by hanging, with the use of a rope tied to the beam of a roof. How do you plead?" Tears started flying out of Fleur's eyes and she started sobbing: "Ah- ah. Not guilty." she said and tripped on the floor only to then drag herself back into the darkness._

_The other five girls looked at Fleur with disdain because they knew that she presented weakness only because she hadn't killed anyone. If she had offed her significant other like the other five did, she wouldn't be whimpering and sobbing. The Minister called the next name on the list: "Ms. Padma Patil-Weasley." Padma walked into the light with her exceeding arrogance and looked at the Minister with attitude: "Mrs. Weasley you are accused of the murder of your husband Mr. Ronald Weasley and of your sister Ms. Parvati Patil by several gun lacerations to the chest and neck with the use of a 45 magnum, a muggle weapon. How do you plead?" Padma looked at him and said: "Not guilty…I blacked out before anything happened to them." And she went back to the dark._

"_Ms. Luna Lovegood." Luna walked with her dreamy haze into the light and looked at the Minister just as she would have looked at him before she killed her loving Neville. "Ms. Lovegood, you are accused of murdering a Mr. Neville Longbottom by strangling with the use of a silk scarf. How do you plead?" "Not guilty." Luna replied in her usual dreamy voice. She then skipped back into the dark side of the room._

_The Minister looked at all six ladies and said: "I'm very disappointed in all of you. You will be taken now to your own little area…it was made yesterday just for you and ladies like you. Don't worry, you'll have a little privacy before the dementors come…that is if they are to come. Tomorrow we'll give you your trial dates. Guards."_

_The guards came and took all six ladies into a large, dark and dingy room with several adjoining cells and one big room with tables to sit and enjoy "yard time". The guards told the ladies that lights would be out in five minutes and they each had to go into one of the cells. Angelina, Hermione, Ginny, Fleur, Padma and Luna settled themselves into cells one right next to each other and the lights went off. They had a few minutes of silence and all the girls were either sitting or lying on their beds, when suddenly the sink in Padma's started leaking water drops and caused a small clang against the bottom of the sink…click, clack…click, clack. Then the guard outside started clanging his boots on the metal floor causing rhythmic booms. Ginny started tapping her nails on the rail incessantly until the point where Angelina and Padma lost their patience and both yelled: "Stop it!"_

"_Well, excuse me for trying to find something to do. What else is there to do?"-said Ginny_

"_Why not share our stories? That'll make time pass faster."-said Luna_

"_Sure why not. But before we do so, describe your story in just ONE word."-said Hermione._

"_Who starts?"- asked Padma_

"_That's easy. I start then Hermione, then Ginny, Fleur, Padma and Luna. The order in which we are in our cells."-said Angelina_

"_Alright Angelina. Just say your word. Or we might as well do it roll call style"-said Ginny_

"_Pop."-said Angelina_

"_Six."-said Hermione_

"_Squish."-said Ginny_

"_Ah-ah."-said Fleur_

"_Cicero."-said Padma_

"_Longbottom."-said Luna_

_Angelina sighed and started her story, but before she could get started Hermione swore she heard the voice of a man say the following: "And now the Six Merry Murderesses of Azkaban Prison in their rendition of The Cell Block Tango." Which is when Hermione spontaneously burst out: "He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame." To which Angelina responded: "I've you'd have been there…I you'd have seen it, I betcha you, you would have done the same. You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like George… George liked to play with exploding snaps…no not play, pop. So I came home this one day and I'm really irritated and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy and there's George lying on the couch, drinking a beer and playing…no not playing, popping! So I said to him, I said, you pop that snap one more time…(sighs)and he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots…into his head." The other girls chorused in a sing song tune: "He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame." To which Angelina scoffed and said: "If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it, I betcha you would have done the same."_

_Hermione poked her head out of the cell as much as she could and she started her story: "I started dating Draco Malfoy from Kent, England about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So we started living together, he'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner…and then I found out. Single he told me. Single, my ass! Not only was he married, oh no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink as usual…you know some guys just can't hold their arsenic." The girls chorused again: "He had it coming. He had it coming." To which Hermione said: "He took a flower in its prime. And then he used it, and he abused it. It was a murder but not a crime."_

_Ginny just flat out starts with rage in her voice: "Now I'm standing in the kitchen, carving up the kitchen for dinner. Minding my own business, in storms my husband, Harry in a jealous rage. __You've been shagging the Minister?_-he says. He was crazy and he kept on screaming _You've been shagging the Minister_. And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times" To which the girls chorused: "I've you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same."

Fleur started babbling in French a story in which she described her love for Bill and all the lovely things of their life together, despite him being attacked by a werewolf. Nobody understood what she was saying except Hermione, who was fluent in French. Fleur was saying how Bill was involved in some nasty Auror business and someone sent out to kill him by muggle means and that when she came home from her job one day, she found Bill, her dear husband, hanging from one of the beams of the roof in their house. At this point Angelina lost her patience and said: "Yeah, but did you do it?" To which Fleur responded: "Ah-ah. Not guilty."

Padma sighed and as she draped her right leg on the bars in front of her and started her tale: "My sister Parvati and I had this double act and my husband Ronald traveled along with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozing and having a few laughs and we run out of ice, so I go out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Parvati and Ronald, doing number seventeen…the spread eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead. They had it coming!" And the girls followed her lead. "They had it coming!" said Parvati and the girls follow. "They had it coming all along! I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how could you tell me that I was wrong?"

Now all but Fleur started singing to the beat made by the water drops and the boot clangs, in rage at the horrors committed against them and how when they set out to right these wrongs, they were thrown in prison. Fleur continued to cry, because she hated being around a bunch of irate murderesses when she knew she had done nothing wrong. The other girls started banging the cell doors in outrage and sang their "He had it coming" and notes of killing them, but not doing anything wrong. They settled down and now it was time for Luna to explain her situation.

"I loved Neville Longbottom more than I could possibly say."-Luna said in her constant dreamy haze. "He was a real artistic guy. Sensitive. A painter. But he was always trying to find himself, he'd go out every night looking for himself and on the way he found Lavender, Cho, Pansy and Blaise. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead! The dirty bum!" And the other girls, except Fleur, repeated the word bum. 

Then the five guilty girls lost it and started singing to the top of their lungs, alerting the various guards and even the Minister of Magic himself. When they got there the girls were on their last little verse and they saw them in awe as they sang: "They had it coming! They had it coming! They had it coming all along! 'Cause if they used us and they abused us, how could you tell us that we were wrong? He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame! If you'd have been there, If you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same." 

Then the girls broke down little bits of their stories in front of what they had in their minds was "the law". However, even though the bits were completely understandable, except Fleur's , they overlapped a bit."

"You pop that snap one more time"-said Angelina

"Single, my ass!"-said Hermione

"Ten times"-said Ginny

"_Incomprehensible French_."-said Fleur

"Number seventeen, the spread eagle."-said Padma

"Artistic differences."-said Luna

The Minister sent the guard to take all of the girls to get their Dementor's kiss and they were all feisty, kicking and screaming in their lunacy, that they were the ones that had been wronged and not the sinful bastards they had murdered. Before Ginny and the other girls could leave the room, she shouted at the Minister: "I thought you loved me Dean! What I did was for us and because Harry was about to kill me and what they did was in self defense!" The Minister made the guards bring all the girls back into the room and he got close to Ginny. "Do you really mean that Gin? Are you positive that all six of you are innocent?" Ginny touched Dean's left cheek and whispered into his lips: "Have I ever lied to you, my darling?" "No Ginny. No one has to know that you girls did anything, the press doesn't even know about it yet." Ginny smiled at him and went back to the area where her other five friends were situated.

Dean looked at the guards and said: "They were never here, if any of you says otherwise I will have your heads. They are to go back to their houses and say that they were questioned and released about the murder of their significant others. We'll have to bring in Draco's wives however and question them." To which Hermione scoffed and said: "You won't have to. They all live in different countries. Michelle lives in Canada, Jacqueline in France, Leisl in Austria, Mikah in Germany, Alejandra in Spain and Maria in Italy. They probably won't find out that Draco passed away for a long time." "Good to know, Hermione. Ladies you are free to go and I'll see you tonight Ginny." All six girls left and no one aside from them, the guards and the minister, knew what truly happened.

Six months later, the Six Merry Murderesses meet at Ginny Potter's house. She had inherited it from her husband who had left her almost everything. What little he didn't leave to Ginny, he left to Ron and Hermione, who happily enjoyed their spoils. George had left Angelina a small portion of money as well as the joke shop and the apartment on top of it, which she was more than happy to receive. Hermione had received, much to the amazement of everyone around her, all the money in the Malfoy vault as well as Malfoy Manor. The reason these things were left to her is because Draco had written off his other six wives in his will, he had no children and his parents had died, so he left every single possession he had to his mistress. When Hermione heard that she almost regretted poisoning him, but then he thought the better of it. Fleur as was obvious received every single thing Bill had and Fleur also received the news that she was pregnant…much to her joy. Padma got everything Ron had, which was little considering that Padma was the one that worked in the household…another good reason to kill her husband. However, with her sister dead, Padma was able to become a star in the Wizarding World and soon enough, she became one of the biggest stars on Broadway. Luna received part of the inheritance Neville's parents had left him and other small chunks went to his lovers and seeing this Luna thought it was a good thing she had killed him.

The ladies sat together for a tea party, discussing their highly brief prison time. They laughed about the things that had occurred and laughed when Padma said they should record an album together. But then suddenly a light bulb went on in all of their heads and they thought of it as a clever idea. The only one that wasn't going to sing was Fleur and all that because she was going to be their manager…except of course whenever they sang their most popular song. The girls became the most popular musical group in both the muggle and wizard worlds. The only people that knew that their hit _The Cell Block Tango_ was based on real events were silenced by any means…some were bribed, others killed and all of this done under the protection of the Minister of Magic.

Years later, when the ladies retired, re-married and reproduced, the Minister comes to an abrupt death and the ladies masks were taken away. Even Fleur, who was innocent of murder, was found guilty in conspiracy to murder for not telling the authorities the truth. The other five girls were charged with murder and conspiracy and sentenced to death not by a Dementor's kiss, but by burning, hanging and then a dementor's kiss. The ladies were to be tortured until their last breath. However before the dementors took away the six souls they each said one word:

"Pop" said Angelina

"Six" said Hermione

"Squish" said Ginny

"Ah-ah" said Fleur

"Cicero" said Padma

"Longbottom" said Luna

And then their souls were lost…sent into an oblivion and never to be heard from again, except within the walls of Azkaban, Grimmauld Place, Malfoy Manor, The Burrow, Hotel Cicero, Hogwarts and of course the joke shop. Some say that on certain nights you can see one or two of the Merry Murderesses, whispering _He had it coming. If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same._


End file.
